Midwest Renaissance Actors Guild

B. Neidecker

Joined Feb 11 2010
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Eau Claire, WI
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About Me


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls andcrushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunchbreaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. Itranslate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winningoperas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water forthree days in a row. I woo men with my sensuous and godlike harpsichordplaying, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert instucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe anda large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small villagein the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I playbluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Yankees, I am the subject ofnumerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspensionbridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, afterwork, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstractartist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwideswoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been callernumber nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured NewJersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floralarrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objectswith impeccable accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, TheSilmarillion, the Encyclopedia Britannica and David Copperfield in oneday and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I haveperformed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week;when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, Isuccessfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized asmall bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, Iweave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, tolet off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have read everyarticle on Wikipedia. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life butforgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course mealsusing only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. Ihave won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka,spelling bees at the Kremlin, and judo matches in Beijing. I haveplayed Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spokenwith Elvis. But mostly I am just me. Living at FTL 1123,6536,5321.

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1 Comment

Reply Jess McCullough - Lord Cutlar McCulloch
12:45 PM on February 26, 2010 
I hear the Duke of Saxony is dead. Good. He slammed my head in a door once.